Day 150: Feeling Your Fear

Everyone is afraid of something. Everyone gets that pit-of-your-stomach-bottoming-out feeling. There are things that scare all of us. But how I deal with those fears is what separates me from the next person. Our culture and society has guided us toward a place where you can easily avoid your fears and thus make them worse and worse over time. We are coddled into thinking that it is okay to be afraid of (and thus avoid) things. Now you can live through Facebook interactions, message friends instead of talking to them, you can buy your clothes and food online, and you can work in a virtual world so you don't have to deal with whatever you might encounter in real life; dealing with real people. While this is now the world I live in, I grew up without this notion of removedness. I was taught from an early age that if something scares you, go after that, challenge that, figure out why it scares you and change that. My father had this book called "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" and that book, simply the title, has played a major part in the person I am today. By feeling, accepting, challenging, and overcoming my fears, I have become a much stronger person than if I just simply avoided them.

At this point, we know that I have two sports that I am deeply dedicated to: running and rock climbing. There are obvious fears associated with both, but let me let you in on a little secret that plays a bigger part with one over the other: I am terrified of heights. Like panic attack and pass out terrified of heights. So three years ago and change, I decided it was time to feel the fear and overcome it. So I started climbing. I faced my fear and I still wake up and face those fears every day. It took me a while before I warmed up to the tall walls (40ft) and before my ankle injury I was just getting to a point where I did not have panic attacks on overhung lead routes. If we delve into my fear of heights, we find the actual bigger fear that is lying sneakily and stealthily underneath. My biggest fear (as I would assume is most people's) is getting hurt. Physically, emotionally, mentally hurt, to an unrecoverable degree. Nothing scares me more than being broken. And yet, here I sit right now, typing this for you all to read as someone who has been broken, bruised, battered - physically, emotionally, and mentally. It can always be worse, but I've spent the last year and change exactly in the place that I was so scared of being. And, funny story, I'm fine.

We get so wrapped up in the fear itself sometimes that we are blind to the fact that we are so So SO much stronger than our fears. I am certainly guilty of this, letting fear completely over take me so that I am useless or letting fear shape my decisions in ways that cause me to do stupid things I would never ever do otherwise. Fear is an irrational, erratic, obsessive, stupid thing that causes us to stray from our otherwise incredibly strong selves. I see it all of the time in others too. Parents allaying their fears onto their children, those children internalizing these issues, and projecting them out in other ways later in life. It's horrible and sad, and we can do so much better, but it requires us to FACE OUR FEARS.

So here's to that: I spent the last few week and then some doing bouldering workouts and traversing. Some of you might say, that is dumb, you are still injured and could really hurt yourself worse if you fell badly on your ankle. But that is fear talking. One of my workouts, a bouldering 4x4, I did on the easiest of the easy problems I could find. This way I knew I could down climb everything and most likely wouldn't fall, but would still get a good workout. Please have no doubts, I will keep top roping, leading, and bouldering, because I LOVE climbing more than anything else in my life and because I know that I must keep pushing that envelope with my mind to make myself realize that fear does not get the upper hand with me. What else am I doing to combat this fear you ask? This morning I did my first crossfit workout, since being able to walk on my own two feet again, that incorporated legs. It was hard and I felt incredibly off balance, but I went slow and was careful and precise in my movements, and I know I am stronger mentally and physically for it. As far as running goes.... Well I am not ready to run yet, and that is not a fear thing, but more of a I'm-not-stupid-I-require-more-healing-time thing. Running requires more flexion than I currently have, so I'll keep pool running and doing my PT exercises. It will come back, because I'll keep pushing forward. But no running for quite some time.

As for my fears? Well it could always be worse, I could always hurt more or be hurt worse, but I could also walk outside and get hit by a bus. From here on forward, I am not letting one dang moment get by without living, loving, learning, and getting the most out of it. We could all grow some as people, friends, partners, and if we learned to accept some of those inevitable pains we will surely feel and try. In the end you will probably be stronger than whatever you encounter and be made stronger because of it.

Face your fears every day.