- Barbara Marciniak
Recently I've started running again after taking over a month off and away from running. I honestly shouldn't say I took the time off. I fell away from running. I fell away the way one falls off the wagon with drugs; running being a healthy sober life and the lack of running being the drugs, the hole where I sink deeper and deeper into a dangerous state. I have come to see over time that each time I fall away from running, I don't like the person I become. And each time before I get sober (start running) again, I realize how important running is to my existence. It's become more clear to me than ever before this time, that I don't want to be part of this world without running. Like the quote above suggests and I agree, it is only when everything shatters that we might begin to rebuild. I'm not saying you should strive for that shattering, but sometimes it is only then that you realize how important the things you held dear are. Like glass, I've been slowly shattering for quite some time until a small clink and I was in pieces. Slivers of my former self. Looking down at those pieces I realized that I am finally ready to rebuild, not just for those around me, but for me. I am truly ready to heal. That was a big step for me.
It's been a week since I started running again and since I've started talking about my fall from grace, my shattering, and my desire to rebuild. Nothing about this process is easy, but then again if it was, what would be the point. We find our true strength and character in the battles we must work through and the difficulties we must overcome. Only when you have given something your all, do you deserve to delight in the reward of the fulfillment you were looking for. This process certainly hurts, physically and emotionally. When you hate the person you've become, and are staring down at the slivers of shattered glass, the pieces of who you were broken, it's hard to decide to find the glue and being to put oneself back together. Every run has been a reminder of how far I've fallen and how far I have to go. Each conversation where I have to open up, is another knife reminding me of the ways I've gone wrong. Part of me knows I deserve to feel this pain, and part of me just wants things to get better. Part of me knows that you earn the joy of the run by putting in those miles and hours, and part of me wants it to just feel good again now. The two sides of one coin, and me trying to find the middle ground. But I have faith in what lies ahead and the ability of rebuilding to heal.
Here's a poem I wrote about coming back to running. Each stanza is about a different run. Each of my last 5 runs. It's the best way I can think to describe running recently. Enjoy.
Stinging cold bites at the underside of my runny nose.
Darkness holds me tight in her arms.
I should embrace back, but I am on autopilot.
I can barely see the path.
I am barely functioning.
I run on by memory.
My feet steer the way, as if they always knew where we should go.
Even when my head or heart tries to decide.
Everything hurts.
It's cold out here.
I want to go home.
I wish it was darker.
I prefer to run under the cover of darkness.
I want to fade into those shadows.
This road is busy in the early evening.
Just as the sun sets and I head out.
My brain starts to settle in.
Memories I'd like to erase.
Bring me back to today.
My legs and heart are sore.
I want a new slate.
I wish it was easier than this.
Home seems so far away.
I am finding the quieter roads.
So my mind can turn up the volume.
I like leaving the main streets and finding the open spaces.
My view is mountains upon mountains,
Rising up out of the valley of this town.
My ponytail is nagging.
I engage with head-ache warfare.
I feel the tears on my face.
This used to be easy for me.
I want to find my way home.
And when I get there,
I hope only to see you,
Your arms open wide waiting for me.
Sunlight and sun glasses.
Shorts and shoes with support.
I remember how I used to talk about running,
Back when it was all I talked about.
Foot strike and injury prevention.
I am trying to rebuild this person,
I once knew as myself.
Sun sets later these days.
Hair ties and technical shirts.
I follow the trail as it takes me by watercolor skies.
I know it will take time still.
But when I see your smile as I walk in the door,
I will be home.
Getting ready for the road again.
I pull on my tights and lace up my shoes.
The trail always holds something new.
I can't expect change to come quickly.
But I can feel the pieces coming back together in me.
I breathe and the pattern of my feet starts.
The mountains rise into view.
The sun is in my eyes.
Moving forward.
I am rounding corners and bends without walking.
I only stop at red lights.
Winter is coming.
Your voice is in my ears.
I am running to you.
You are my home.
I am home.
I have been learning lately that we can't stop time, we can't rewind. Life, it just goes on. We can't change the past and the mistakes we made. The only thing we can do is learn the lessons, try to make ourselves better people, and rebuild. I leave you with good ol' Robert Frost.
Recently I've started running again after taking over a month off and away from running. I honestly shouldn't say I took the time off. I fell away from running. I fell away the way one falls off the wagon with drugs; running being a healthy sober life and the lack of running being the drugs, the hole where I sink deeper and deeper into a dangerous state. I have come to see over time that each time I fall away from running, I don't like the person I become. And each time before I get sober (start running) again, I realize how important running is to my existence. It's become more clear to me than ever before this time, that I don't want to be part of this world without running. Like the quote above suggests and I agree, it is only when everything shatters that we might begin to rebuild. I'm not saying you should strive for that shattering, but sometimes it is only then that you realize how important the things you held dear are. Like glass, I've been slowly shattering for quite some time until a small clink and I was in pieces. Slivers of my former self. Looking down at those pieces I realized that I am finally ready to rebuild, not just for those around me, but for me. I am truly ready to heal. That was a big step for me.
It's been a week since I started running again and since I've started talking about my fall from grace, my shattering, and my desire to rebuild. Nothing about this process is easy, but then again if it was, what would be the point. We find our true strength and character in the battles we must work through and the difficulties we must overcome. Only when you have given something your all, do you deserve to delight in the reward of the fulfillment you were looking for. This process certainly hurts, physically and emotionally. When you hate the person you've become, and are staring down at the slivers of shattered glass, the pieces of who you were broken, it's hard to decide to find the glue and being to put oneself back together. Every run has been a reminder of how far I've fallen and how far I have to go. Each conversation where I have to open up, is another knife reminding me of the ways I've gone wrong. Part of me knows I deserve to feel this pain, and part of me just wants things to get better. Part of me knows that you earn the joy of the run by putting in those miles and hours, and part of me wants it to just feel good again now. The two sides of one coin, and me trying to find the middle ground. But I have faith in what lies ahead and the ability of rebuilding to heal.
Here's a poem I wrote about coming back to running. Each stanza is about a different run. Each of my last 5 runs. It's the best way I can think to describe running recently. Enjoy.
Stinging cold bites at the underside of my runny nose.
Darkness holds me tight in her arms.
I should embrace back, but I am on autopilot.
I can barely see the path.
I am barely functioning.
I run on by memory.
My feet steer the way, as if they always knew where we should go.
Even when my head or heart tries to decide.
Everything hurts.
It's cold out here.
I want to go home.
I wish it was darker.
I prefer to run under the cover of darkness.
I want to fade into those shadows.
This road is busy in the early evening.
Just as the sun sets and I head out.
My brain starts to settle in.
Memories I'd like to erase.
Bring me back to today.
My legs and heart are sore.
I want a new slate.
I wish it was easier than this.
Home seems so far away.
I am finding the quieter roads.
So my mind can turn up the volume.
I like leaving the main streets and finding the open spaces.
My view is mountains upon mountains,
Rising up out of the valley of this town.
My ponytail is nagging.
I engage with head-ache warfare.
I feel the tears on my face.
This used to be easy for me.
I want to find my way home.
And when I get there,
I hope only to see you,
Your arms open wide waiting for me.
Sunlight and sun glasses.
Shorts and shoes with support.
I remember how I used to talk about running,
Back when it was all I talked about.
Foot strike and injury prevention.
I am trying to rebuild this person,
I once knew as myself.
Sun sets later these days.
Hair ties and technical shirts.
I follow the trail as it takes me by watercolor skies.
I know it will take time still.
But when I see your smile as I walk in the door,
I will be home.
Getting ready for the road again.
I pull on my tights and lace up my shoes.
The trail always holds something new.
I can't expect change to come quickly.
But I can feel the pieces coming back together in me.
I breathe and the pattern of my feet starts.
The mountains rise into view.
The sun is in my eyes.
Moving forward.
I am rounding corners and bends without walking.
I only stop at red lights.
Winter is coming.
Your voice is in my ears.
I am running to you.
You are my home.
I am home.
 |
| Boulder sunset. Winter is coming. |
I have been learning lately that we can't stop time, we can't rewind. Life, it just goes on. We can't change the past and the mistakes we made. The only thing we can do is learn the lessons, try to make ourselves better people, and rebuild. I leave you with good ol' Robert Frost.
"In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on." —Robert Frost
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