But when I am alone, there are days when I wake up and I honestly am unsure how I am going to make it through the next 6 minutes, let alone the next day. Times when I burst into tears randomly at my work desk thinking about how I can no longer spend hours baking and laughing with a good friend in the kitchen of the house where I used to live. Times where I get lost mid-sentence because something someone said sent me shuttling back to someone who taught me how to sport climb at my own pace and be stronger. Times where I am grieving because I wish I could share the music of my favorite band with this person, tell him how this song reminds me of him. Places where I am grateful to be alone for most of the day, without having to explain my cold tears to anyone. Spaces where I am safe to be sad. I have spent a lot of time hiding my emotions, smiling and laughing for others to see… But then I am lying in bed for hours unable to sleep staring into space, cold and missing those I've lost.
Why am I talking about loss? There has been a lot of it recently in my life, but one particular loss hit me a lot harder than the others. At the very beginning of September, word was spread around the Internet that one of my closest friends during my time in Virginia, Ryan Silsby, was missing. What started at first as Facebook posts asking him to check in, turned very quickly into a full man-hunt search for my friend in Missoula, MT. I felt helpless watching the posts come in, waiting and constantly updating hoping for some good news. We all knew Ryan was an avid outdoorsman, a minimalist who would spend hours/ days/ weeks in the woods camping, hiking, climbing, and adventuring. More info came in. His truck was found with his camping gear, but his climbing gear was missing. The search teams scoured the area where he was believe to be last, Blodgett Canyon. My birthday came and went, and while I had loved ones with me celebrating, my heart wasn't in it because I was distracted, hoping for good news about Ryan. Sunday night, while out at dinner a message on Facebook was posted, Ryan's remains were found. He had fallen from a climb and died instantaneously doing what he loved. I had a hard time focusing during the rest of dinner.
Over the next few days I went through the typical stages of loss: disbelief, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. I think I was in disbelief the longest. How could this happen to Ryan? He was one of the smartest, most careful climbers I knew. He was a mountain guide. Was he climbing alone? Why? How was it possible? Then I quirky felt anger, how could he be taken away from this world? Why him? There are so many shitty individuals out there who don't deserve the gift of living in this beautiful world, why HIM?! He was the kindest soul I had ever known. He brought light to every one's life. Everyone loved him. I was angry my amazing friend was taken so soon from this world, with So much life ahead of him. The bargaining portion was short, as I realized it was futile. I couldn't change what had happened, and I quickly moved to sadness and depression. I couldn't reach out to this amazing person anymore. I couldn't tell him about a new pie I baked. I couldn't ever seen his smile again or hear his voice. He was gone and that cut deep into my heart. Only recently have I started to accept that he is really gone. I booked a flight back to Virginia for a short weekend to attend Ryan's memorial service at Sportrock Climbing Centers, where Ryan and I worked and climbed together. That made it real. I was going "home" to the friends, who are really like family, there so that we all could be together to honor his memory and life.
As odd as it might seem, I am putting climbing on hold for a little while. I haven't been enjoying my climbing sessions as much lately and with Ryan's passing, I feel that I need to take a little time away from the sport I love to honor the friend I lost. The world is a dimmer place since Ryan has been gone. His light was one that could brighten even your darkest day with a smile, a joke, and a hug. This process of accepting loss has been my hardest yet, but I know Ryan would not want us to wallow. He would tell me, Emma what makes you happy that isn't a person? And I'd say baking. So this weekend I will bake a pie in honor of my amazing friend. I will think of him and his strength and love on my long run this weekend. I will try to be more Ryan-like in my every day life and be more positive and focus on the good things in life, like he would want me to do. To Ryan's family and friends and anyone whose life he touched in his special positive way, I am praying for you, I am sending you love, and I hope you are able to find peace someday. Ryan was an amazing person and I feel lucky to have known him.
Today, Ryan, this song is dedicated to you. I love you bud.
A year from now we'll all be gone, our friends will move away,
They're going to better places, but our friends will be gone away,
Nothing is as it has been, and I miss your face like hell,
And I guess it's just as well,
But I miss your face like hell.
Rivers and Roads,
Rivers and Roads,
Rivers, 'til I reach you.
-The Head & The Heart
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