Day 696: What We Give Them. What We Take Away.

I used to be
broken.
Like the way
the webbing,
the stitching
in your clothes,
comes undone when you rip a tag out.
I used to be
broken.
Like a mistakenly hit
minor key
when a child is playing on the piano.
I
used to be
broken.
Like a rift
in a rock face,
once a small fracture
that grew into a splitter crack.

i used to be broken.


{Then}
There were days
I'd wake
up when the furthest reaches of the sun
reach inside me,
shaking me alive.
Then
there were days
i'd never wake up
at all.
And days like that
i'd wear a veil
like a haze
burning the nose hairs
and their face.
well let us be honest
(but we never are)
there were plenty of days
i wish i didn't wake up
Because even the
vivid-as-fuck nightmares.
were better than waking up to {this}.

I think
people often mistake
broken
for interesting.
And the girls who have all
that drama in their past,
we tell ourselves,
they are different and beautiful.
We often mistake their
blonde hair for a halo.
But they are
exactly as broken as
an episode of Law and Order: SVU.
We can pretend I am complex though.
We can say
I am a different kind of difficult,
that my love is challenging.
That sometimes
"your mental stuff is too hard to handle"
Yeah.

That was me then.
i used to be broken.

I think
Loss
allows us to learn things
maybe
things we wouldn't have
learned otherwise.
Maybe,
all of the pieces we wish for
have to disappoint us.
So that when we
find a shortage in the wiring,
we seize to it.
like moths to
the
porch light.

Maybe,
all the hurt
and all the coming undone,
has to come before.
So when the good
shows up in front of us,
it's like the Universe is saying,
"For the Love of God woman, seize this now that you have it!"
and we take it.
We take it all in.
Without the fears we had before,
with all the lessons we learned,
with mistakes like scars
streaking our bodies,
that the other
will touch gently.
In the way that
knowing how to take
the fall
Allows you
to try
(with) (out) hesitation.

So i took
the good
by the hand
before turning
Face into the wind
and jumped over the knife edge
with
him.

You can write down the
melodies.
I will help you put them to words.
Your blue eyes
give me all the musings I need.
I will sing harmony
to you
like I am back dropping
Mariah Carey.
I will be the drop in the beat.
the part that makes you laugh outside
when i dance
because the music makes me move.
The music
i am able to make
with you now
is the kind
that lasts
through the decades.
A classic, they say.

For through all the years,
and all the loves i felt,
I learned
what we give Them,
and What we take away
is simply
a preamble
to
the great love of our lives.