Curro ergo sum. That there is Latin for “I run, therefore I am.” I AM a runner. That’s how I introduce myself to people I meet, right after I tell them my name when they ask, “so what do you do?” Hi, my name is Emma and I am a runner. I really am many things; I am a girlfriend, a sister, and a daughter. I am a writer. I am a friend and a coach. I am a reader and a climber. But most of all, I am a runner. Some people might see this defining who you are off of your sport as a bad thing. However, I believe my sport highlights the best parts about who I am and amplifies them. As a runner (and as a person), I am strong, determined, committed, evolving and developing, patient (ha ha, that’s a laugh), and happy. When I think about my evolution into a runner and all of the strengths and joys it has given me, I re-read this poem that I love and have hung up next to my computer: 'The Runner' Poem by Michelle Theall. It is probably the best description of how we can become lost and found in our lives, but if you are a runner, you are a runner, that is how you define yourself, for better or worse, forever.
Yesterday when I was swimming in the pool, I noticed these three women water running. Water running is when you make the same motions as running (well rather like you are stomping grapes), but you are in the water so it takes the weight off and thus makes it a no impact exercise. It’s great for training and rehabbing when you’re injured. They (as a fellow injured runner/climber friend pointed out) were probably in there because they too were injured, but nonetheless they were there probably an hour (I swam for an hour and forty minutes that day), all the while talking about my favorite subject, running-related stuff. These women covered every topic from training, injuries, races, favorite running stories, what clothes to wear, favorite clothes, running gear, race pace, and famous/upcoming runners in the race circuit. They talked about running-EVERYTHING and every time I passed them, I thought, ‘God I want to join them.’ Most of you who read this blog know me from real life and so you probably know me pretty well. This in turn means that you probably know that I am a pretty outgoing person and like to meet new people. But in this scenario there was no way I could swim up and be like, “Hey, I’m a runner too, I heard you guys talking, and I’m injured so I’m stuck in this pool and miss running, can I join your conversation?” and not come off as a major creeper. So I swam alongside them in the slow lane, listening to snippets of their conversation and thinking about (and missing) running. While I was swimming along, it occurred to me that while I still am a runner, I am currently an injured runner who isn’t running. That thought made my think of the line in the poem mentioned above: “I am not sure who I am or will become if I am no longer a runner.” So what do I do (or maybe who do I become) when I can’t run?
My tendon injury plopped a very sudden plethora of free time into my lap that I don’t entirely know what to do with. While I can (and most certainly do) still swim, use the elliptical, and bike, those are my morning activities and my evenings have been wiped free (before I climbed probably every night of the week). So in an attempt to find out more about me in my capacities other than being a runner, discover my other hobbies, I did what any good writer/sociologist does; I did some internal kind of research (picking my own brain) and now I am writing about it. My research has yielded the following results:
Things I like to do that are not fitness/outdoors activity-related:
1. I like to write: I actually LOVE to write. And lately, I have been writing a lot. This has thus caused an uptick in my updating this blog. I feel this is probably a good thing overall because it updates you, my readers, and it keeps me busy and sane without my normal over-the-top exercise plans. The re-influx of writing in my life has caused some good/bad discoveries. The first being the two times of day I am most inspired to write are: in the morning after whatever physical activity I do and at about 12am at night. During one of these times I am at work, the other I usually am or at least definitely should be sleeping. So it’s great that the inspiration is flowing like the breeze, but it sucks that it happens at the times it does. Another thing is my writing is an outlet for me to share my thoughts with a wider audience than just those people I see or talk to daily. I am not much of a phone person and the people I am closest with in my life all require communication by phone, text or email. So I am not about to launch into grand schemes or thought processes via telephone. The only other time I discuss grand ideas and over-arching themes of life is on runs with a running partner, which since I can’t run, can’t be done. So the blog provides me with a great outlet to channel those thoughts, though once they reach publication here, they are significantly more processed and less… “Squirrel!!” (i.e. – spontaneous and random). Lastly and probably more importantly, writing makes me happy. When I feel like I’ve really nailed my point in a blog entry, I feel like I just ran 10 miles and kicked ass the whole way. And if any part of anything I’ve written helps someone else through something, then I’ve done a good job and feel helpful. So writing is a great outlet of my excess energy.
2. I like to read: Reading has always been something I have enjoyed. Even as a youngster, I would read damn near every book I could get my hands on. I am pretty sure I started reading around age 3, and haven’t stopped since. I loved fiction and still do, but my fiction collection is mostly just Michael Connelly and David Baldacci novels at this point. Yes, crime drama. In another life, I probably would have made a killer detective… Killer as in good, not as in a detective who kills people. Anyway over the years, I slowly grew to love auto-biographies, memoirs, and history. And if the book is about running, I probably have either: read it already, am in the process of reading it or am going to be reading to it really soon. So I have started reading more both on my kindle and actual books. I love my kindle because it is extremely convenient and I can read it anywhere without taking the bulk of a book along. But I still love real books, they can pull me out of whatever I’m feeling, wherever I am and bring me right into the text. I should be no surprise to you that I love reading, because I love words, descriptions, pen and paper, adjectives, nouns, the feeling of turning the page, and run on sentences. I love tone, sentence structure, grammatical mistakes, and the creation of plot. I love reading.
3. I enjoy knitting: But only when it is cold outside, as soon as the temp hits 60 degrees, I’m disinterested. Knitting is like running in that it is a wonderful mindless activity with repetitive motions and yields great results. I can only make scarves and hats right now, but I’ll eventually learn to make socks, mittens, and sweaters. I can get very entranced with knitting and lose track of time easily. This makes passing the time while injured more fun.
4. I like to practice learning to cook (read as: trying to replicate recipes my boyfriend has attempted to teach me): I am not a good cook, I do not have that innate cooking skill many girl possess, but I have started cooking (or at least trying to cook) dinners again. This is nice because before my injury I was up and going from 530 am and usually not getting back to my house (my climbing gym is an hour away) till after 10 pm = snickers bar for dinner. That was un-healthy and it certainly wasn’t fun. Plus I never had leftovers for lunch the next day. So now I am eating better and getting better at cooking, which is great for me and my stomach.
5. I like to watch NCIS: Really, what do you want from me? I am allowed at least one cheesy zone-out activity that is enjoyable, but pointless. Plus the show rocks and the character of Gibbs is awesome. At least it’s not Jersey Shore that I’m watching.
So I guess it is a little ridiculous that I have only been unable to run for a week and a half and I am already having to “cope” with not being able to run and trying to figure out how to redefine myself. But think of it like this, as humans we love to identify ourselves. I identify who I am through running and when I can’t run I become distressed about the lack of identity. I see other runners on the street and think, ‘Ah that used to be me.’
I guess somewhere deep inside the fear, that no one else seems to understand, is really that this theme of injury after injury is in fact a very annoying loud alarm telling me that I was not built for distance running. But all I want is to run long massive distances. I want to smash a 50 miler. I want to solve the 100 mile mystery. I want to taste sunshine and victory at Western States. I want to cry and hallucinate at Badwater. I want to conquer all of the pain and the crazy. And I only want to wake up to a sunrise I can chase. So maybe for now I’ll ignore the possibility of that alarm and just say that, although I am injured, I am still a runner. And I’ll try to remember that someday again soon I’ll be back on the long long trail.
Because for me, home is in my running sneakers.
"‘God I want to join them.’ "
ReplyDeleteAnd now you have :)