Days 613 - 624: Being More

There is this plaque in my room that I've had for as long as I can remember. I've always kept it close; nailed to the wall in my room as a kid, tied to a horse lamp on my desk at college, sitting on the window sill in my first grown-up apartment, and now hanging eye-level to my bed. I always keep it where I can see it in the morning as I wake up and before I go to bed at night. It's not well made or fancy or boasting a title. It simply says: "To be all you can be, you must dream of being more."

I have lived my life on this principle. Never settle for good enough. Never accept the status quo. Challenge the world to bring you closer to your dreams. When I was younger, I wanted to be more through intelligence. I studied hard and pushed my capabilities mentally, so that I could excel higher than was expected of me. I wanted to give 100%. But I always felt like I was falling short. How much could I change with mere smarts? So in high school, I transitioned to a new strategy. As a 15 year old girl, protesting what at the time I felt was an unjust and unfair war in my hippie garb, I wanted to believe what I was doing would make a difference. But in the end I knew that I wasn't causing any kind of real change. Once again, feeling frustrated with my ability to be more, I tried a new avenue. In college, I pushed the boundaries of the knowledge I could absorb, hoping that I could gather enough information that I would be able to graduate with a degree that allowed me to help those in need. But in the end, helping others requires you to weed through a ton of red tape. Finally after college and a good deal of what I percieved as failure, I found a boring job that paid decently, and have been stuck there ever since. I no longer was striving to be better. I had given up my fight to be more than I could be.

... Until July 2008, when I signed up for a 5K to raise money for the Whitman Walker HIV/AIDS clinic in DC, and challenged my boundaries again. I was never particularly fit or athletic and I certainly had no experience fundraising. But I knew it was a good cause and I wanted to help. It's funny when I look back on moments like this. That one race changed everything. Well that's not true... preparing for that race changed everything.

At the time I was "unemployed," working as an intern in DC, barely making ends meet, but I raised about $200 for this cause. I also put a good deal of time into training for the 5k. Having not run an official race since I was a kid, I knew I was not prepared. 3.1 miles seemed like such a far way to go; I was so nervous. My main goal was to get to that 3 mile mark before race day. I think I ran (okay jog/walked) almost every day for 20-30 minutes. I'm not sure what day exactly it was, but I will never forget the feeling I had the first time I made it to that 1.5 mile turn around spot. Knowing that I'd made it to 1.5 miles and I would turn around and hit 3 miles by the end of my run, was such a massive achievement to me. I felt so proud and excited. I'd dreamed of being capable of running further than I'd imagined and then I became more than I thought I could be. That moment defined me as a runner, even if I didn't know it at the time.

Endurance is a funny thing. I started out dreaming of finishing that 5K, meeting that goal for myself. And then throughout the years the goal changed, the distance lengthened, and now I'm training for ultramarathons. If you'd told that naive, doe-eyed girl in 2008 that in a couple of years she would be running her first ultra, well, she would have laughed out out of the park. Three miles back then seemed like an impossible distance. And now I go out run a 20 miler because I feel good. Now I have a training plan that has me working out twice a day 6 days a week for 5 months straight. Now I'm contemplating a 10 year plan complete with 50Ks, 50 milers, 100 mile races, and ultimately the Badwater Ultramarathon. Am I nuts? No. I just dream of being more. Over time, you build your endurance, not just the kind in your legs, but also endurance in your mind and heart. You decide you want more out of your life and you dream bigger. And then, if you're anything like me, you become that dream.

Why am I talking about dreams today? Well the past few weeks have been rough on me. A series of unfortunate events, poor planning, and a race that was completely out of my capabilities, caused a string of injuries which was brought me to my knees. I went from healthy happy runner to injured in one week, and then exacerbated that injury to the point where I am now. I have tendinitis in my IT band, Bursitis in my right hip, and problems with my SI joint in my back. While I can (and have been) run(ning) even with the pain, I know that I'm only making everything worse. But I have races literally around the corner now. So what am I supposed to do? I kept running for a while, and then tried rehabbing and hoping it'd just get better. But it's not. And sometimes being more is all about growing more as an individual. Becoming smarter as a runner.

It breaks my heart to know the extent of these injuries, because I did this to myself. Part of me sees these injuries as a massive failure and a disappointment to those who have supported me and helped coach me along. But I know that the real failure would be trying to push through what clearly is a severe injury and making everything much worse. So for these next few weeks pre-50K, I will be in the pool; swimming and pool running. On good days, I'll do the elliptical and a crossfit routine focused on mobility. Because I know that I am finally growing up. The only way forward is through, and sometimes getting through means rest and rehab.  I may not like it, my mood may be in the toliet for the  next month, but I'm doing the best I can with what I have. And right now, what I have is an injury and what I need is active rest.

So I hope that I arrive on race day ready and uninjured, I hope that I am able to run this race without falling apart and being in pain. I hope that I am able to get over the mental hurtles to running that kind of distance. But I don't know how it will go or what will happen. In the end, I can only do the best I can and listen to my body and let me training guide me. That is what being more is all about. It's not really about hitting higher mileage or getting faster; it's about becoming a stronger person.

And I'll end this post with this quote that I think sums up everything about me: "The obsession with running is really an obsession with the potential for more and more life." - George Sheehan