Day 25: Stronger

"My heart is numb, but with you, I can feel again... 
I'm feeling better ever since you know me,
I was a broken soul, but that's the old me,
A little wiser now from what you've shown me,
I can feel again."

8:57PM : I am dressed to run. I have had an awful day. Today has no particular reason of being so bad. It was my day off. I had my knee and calf worked on in PT. I ate real food. I have a warm house and clothes I like. I have great friends and an incredible family. I really have nothing to complain about. But emotionally I have been dragging my heart through the muck and the mire, over and over again. There are days when you should appreciate all the good around you and no matter how hard I was trying today, I just couldn't. I tried to climb away the negative space feeling in my heart, but the wall just wasn't doing it tonight. I needed something more. I needed to run. 

9:03PM : I am running. It is cold. I am wearing minimal layers right now. But I wanted to be cold. I wanted to feel something, anything tonight. I have been feeling immensely empty lately. Nothing has been stirring in my soul. So I figured a good solid run on a cold night would do it. I queued up my most recent favorite playlist (aptly named "Mind Strong. Body Strong.") and started to run. I gave myself a mile of warm up at a slower relaxed pace. My leg is still healing and I'm running in new shoes, fast is not really an option right now. Not that I am ever "fast."

9:10PM : I am crossing over the bridge when that certain song comes on. My guard is down when I am running and I am not prepared. I can't stop the flood of tears streaming down my face. I stop atop the bridge. I have to hold myself up on the mesh wiring, because my sobs are wracking my body. I am lost in my mind. I let the tears flow. There is no one here to see me cry. I let myself have this moment. I let it all out. I let the last 8 months of hell come flooding through. I have stopped resisting. I have stopped being brave and strong. Sometimes it is okay to be weak. I watch the cars and trucks speed under me on I-495 below. I look at the contrast of the dark sky and the orange/yellow highlighted road. The tears in my eyes distorts the light. I am crying, but I feel nothing. My heart feels empty. Numb. Nothingness. After a long minute, I know I must keep moving.  

9:15PM : I haven't wiped the tears away, so they have dried in streaks down my cheeks. Like war paint that has faded after going through the battle. I just keep moving. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am not cold anymore. I am numb. I am going through the motions. I feel nothing. I am that big empty space that I spent so much time trying to avoid. I am exactly what I didn't want to happen to me. I am the suck in of the current before the wave. I am the precursor to who I will be. 

9:20PM : I feel a swell in my chest as the music transitions. It is no longer my warm up, I left that long ago. Now I am trying to re-start this broken heart. This is the time to move forward. Time to move on. I know I have a lot of hurdles to jump, but I am starting now. I am weaving through the side and back streets. My feet guiding me instead of my heart. I am picking up the pace. I am springing through my stride. I know I am pushing too hard, but that is me. And on this run, I am letting me be me. I am not trying to fit a mold or a role, I am being the stubborn, difficult, pain in the ass that is me.  

9:30PM : I am running on brick sidewalks. Weaving through small groups, bundled individuals holding hands and laughing. I am passing the store where I work. I am passing my favorite bar that I haven't been to in months because I can't handle seeing certain faces. I am the wind pushing me along. I am the stop lights. I am not waiting. I am the lights in the leave-less trees. I am the road to the water. I am coming back to me. My heart feels tight. I force myself to breathe. Suck the cold air like water in my chest. It's time to go home. I turn around and hit a full sprint. It's like the shuffle feature on my playlist read my mind. I am moving faster now. 

9:40PM : I cut down alleys. I like running in the shadows. I am going home. My brain is running over the last 8 months. I was broken. Someone broke me. I let someone do that to me. I let a few someones break me. I let people in and they hurt me. I trusted and was cheated. I gave and was given nothing back. I believed and tried and wanted. But in the end, I let them break me. I stood idly by as my heart was broken again, again, and again. I stood by as I was mistreated and hurt. I let it happen and did not step in. I did not stand up for my heart. I allowed that pain in. I am not without fault though. I hurt people. I hurt good people. I made mistakes. I apologized for things that were and were not my fault. But I am a good person. Despite what anyone else wants to think. Everyone makes mistakes and no one is without fault. So tonight, I am forgiveness. I am forgiving each of those someones who broke me. And I am forgiving myself. 

9:45PM : I am back on the bridge. This song is blasting through my brain. I was a broken soul, but that's the old me, A little wiser now from what you've shown me, I can feel again. I stop in the same spot I was in before, so broken only a small amount of time ago. But I have taken myself through the last 8 months on this run. Through all of the heart ache. Through all of the pain. I forced myself through every moment of the last 8 months. I went back over it all. I let myself feel everything. Every detail. Every hopeful glimmer. Every toothy smile. Every hand held walk. Every falling asleep on your chest. Every change. Every painful stomach drop. Every walking away. Every can't meet my eyes. Every good bye. Every start and every end. I am making myself feel it all. I am on the bridge in a shadow, so I step into the light. And I smile. I smile because it is all over now. I am not trying to ignore the past. I am using it to move on. I am learning as I go forward. I am no longer numb. I can feel again. 

9:47PM: I am running down the hill at full speed. There is wind biting my face. My nose is running over my lips. I am sweating. I look a mess, but I don't care. I can feel again. Every foot strike. Every muscle contracting and firing. I am moving on. I feel like I am glowing. I knew running was the right decision tonight. I am running home. I am thinking about this journey I went on tonight. It was so long overdue. I am turning onto my street. The moon is shining down on me. There is always light, even in the darkness and there is always the possibility for joy, even on the darkest of days.  

9:52PM : I am home. Standing next to My truck. Standing in front of my house. I see myself in the reflection of our glass door. I am smiling. I am home. Home. In my heart. In my mind. I am no longer broken. I am moving on. I have forgiven myself for the past. I won't forget it, but I am using it to move on in the most positive ways. I am new memories. I am happy in my skin. I am forgiven and fulfilled. I am beginning again. I can feel again. I am home.



** This was a particularly difficult one for me to write. But I wanted to end by saying thank you to everyone who has been there to love and support me through all of dramatics these last 8 months. They have been very hard for me, and I couldn't have made it without the love and support I had. Particularly my family, you have all been amazing and I love you guys so much; you are the best people I know and you have taught me and held me up through so much, I am everything I am because you helped me. I love you. And to my girls, A, L, M, and S; my amazing roommate/sister, J; my ever-supportive shoulder to cry on, M; and a very small handful of others (you know exactly who you are), you guys have been like family to me and I cherish and love each of you so very much. Thank you all, thank you so much for helping me get here. **