Day 45-90: Forgiveness

I have not been running much lately. First it was my SI joint giving me problems, then my right knee/calf not working properly, add in my back-to-back-to-back work schedule, and then to top it all off I fell three weeks ago while bouldering and tore all of the ligaments in my right ankle. Safe to say it's been about a month and change since I've gone on a real serious run. Also safe to say that I won't be running outside on my own again for about 5 months. So I had not been running much lately, and also have been beating myself up for it on a daily basis. But beating myself up for not running was only one of the things I've been beating myself up for. 

If you have gleaned anything about me from these posts, you know that 2012 was a very, very long year. A long series of moments, where my heart had been riding from ache to break and back again. I have spent a long time falling asleep with that deep seated hurt in my chest, and frustration on my mind. Caught somewhere between not fully understanding the "why"s of the past and the fear of what was to come. I couldn't trust the future, because I hadn't let go of the past. I knew it was gone, but I still grasped at those wisps of thin air. I knew each day would bring more strength, but I just wasn't getting there. 

In December, it has been almost 12 months that I had started spiraling down. Even though my big ex and I were still together in January of 2012, we were already done by the time we hit NYE. Looking back now, I can see that. We already were fractured and the relationship was fraying at the seams. I sat in his parent's house on December 31st watching a digital clock tick over to 12:00am, ringing in the New Year alone in a quiet house that wasn't mine. I wasn't with my family or my friends and I felt completely alone. I hoped the year would have so much promise and so much happiness, but somewhere in that quiet space in my chest, I knew it was all downhill from there. 

Four months later the big love in my life walked away, and after him I made bad decision after bad decision, rampaged my way through friendships, potential relationships, jobs, and money. Every step "forward" was two steps back, as I searched for someone else or something else to fill that void in me. Normally, I am a strong believer that the universe provides you with those little things at precise moments where you really need them to help you along your way, but lately I was really starting to feel abandoned. There was nothing I could do to pull myself out of what seemed like a never ending tail spin straight toward the ground. Then barely 10 days before the new year, when I thought there was no way things could get any worse, they did. And I watched, as if on the sidelines, as someone I considered a close friend threw away our friendship and broke my heart.  

As I flew home for the holidays, I sat on the plane trying to think of some last ditch resort to heal myself quick before I got home. But I had nothing left. When I arrived home I cried to my parents, because I knew that I had hit rock bottom. There was no way I could go on anymore without help. I could no longer put on a smile and laugh everything off. I couldn't pretend that the brokenness inside me was something that eventually would fix itself. And I couldn't take/deal with/fight the low lows anymore. So I gave up and cried, and I told them everything that was going on in my head and my heart. Then a funny thing happened. Somehow when I did that, I found something I wasn't expecting. I found strength. When I let it all go and gave that deep, hollow, painful hurt a voice and let it escape from my throat, I found I was able to forgive and a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. 

It's taken me a really long time to get here (and I have a really long way to go), to this place where I could forgive. Because I have to not only forgive those people who hurt me, but I also have to forgive myself. I have made mistakes, we all have, but I finally found the strength to forgive myself for those mistakes and move on. Sometimes just talking about it all, getting it out there helps you enough to make that one small step forward. Then you realize you've made one step, and you can probably make another. And then another, and another. After opening up to my family, I found that for the first time in a long time I could see that there is a way out. 

Sometimes all it takes is someone who has been there, down in that same hole, to take your hand and help you see that there is way out and that you are not alone. There is the great West Wing quote where Leo is telling Josh, 

"This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. And doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, 'Hey Doc, can you help me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by,  and the guy says, 'Hey, Joe, it's me, can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.' The friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.'"

People sometimes think strength is about handling everything you have to go through by yourself. But it isn't. Strength is about recognizing that you need help and asking for it. Strength is about forgiving yourself and accepting the love and help from the people around you who truly care about you. Strength is about letting go and moving forward. I can finally recognize that I am not alone, and that has been a huge step for me. I have some really incredible friends, I have a loving, amazing, and supportive family, and I have myself. 

Me. I have me with all of my quirks and problems, I have me who has been broken and bruised, I have me who has been weak and has made mistakes. But I have accepted and love those parts of me, along with all of the good parts. I am at peace with my past and I am hopeful for the future of who I am. I have forgiven myself and I am healing. I know this road will be a winding, rooty, mountainous trail up and out, but I have good people who will help me, I am stronger than this, and I will make it through. 


This is a turning point. The past is past. Welcome 2013, may you bring each of us the strength to be there for and help each other, and the strength to forgive and love ourselves.