Day 215: Sometimes Running Hurts

Running isn't always great. 

It probably sounds weird to hear Me say that. I am running's biggest supporter. But sometimes it hurts and it's not great. Sometimes you feel tired and winded, everything hurts and nothing feels better than the idea of stopping. But you don't, and that is what separates you from the non-runners. But sometimes, it really Really feels like crap. 

My run tonight was done out of necessity. I am no wheres near as active as I was back home and seem to get tired doing just about anything. So even though I wanted to just go to sleep, I made myself get dressed and head out the door for a run. Everything felt wrong about this run. I felt gross. I felt like all of the not-as-toned-as-I-would-prefer parts of me were jiggling and that I barely fit into my running clothes. I felt too ugly and stupid and embarrassed to go outside. This was a bad sign. 

Somehow I talked the demons down, put some music on and allowed myself the space to run slowly and told myself that it was okay. It was okay that I didn't feel good. I had this little inner dialogue with myself: "Listen girl, it's okay. Some runs suck. But you got out of the house, right? So let's at least see what we can do. If you still feel shitty by the time you get to the park, you can turn around and just do 3 miles. But let's make an honest effort, okay? And girl, it doesn't matter what anyone else looks like and it doesn't matter what you look like, you are running to help your soul. Your body will follow in time."

I let the little voice win, and I started out. I was hyper aware of every other person out on the street. But I kept reminding myself that all that mattered was putting one foot in front of the other. I am not normally an overly self conscious person, but every once in a while I get really down on myself. In the last three years, this is the "biggest" I've been, and while most of my friends hate me for saying that, in my head it hurts to look in the mirror on some days. Most women have self-image issues, and I am no stranger to those. Way back when, I was much heavier than I am now and while I have faith that I won't ever let myself get there again, I am still painfully aware whenever I gain weight, even if it's just a little. I won't tell you it ever gets easier, because it doesn't. But you do learn how to deal with those thoughts when they come up, and you learn how to workout in a healthy way.  I tried to push the negativity aside and focus on the music playing pin-ball between my ear drums. 

I was at the park, and I still felt awful. I was like I was dragging 60 lbs of sludge behind me all while I was bulging out of my clothes. I felt truly terrible. But I didn't stop running. I ran up the hill and then another one, and then another. It still hurt. Everything was sore and every stride felt like I was falling apart. I couldn't understand, but I wasn't fighting it, I just kept running. I have learned over the years that sometimes if I just keep going, eventually I will feel better. I took some pride in the fact that I wasn't quitting. Even if I was walking, it was okay. I am going to be walk/running for a while. Till my ankle fully heals. Till I fully adjust to the elevation. Till I am ready and that was okay. Then I crested the worst of the hills and was on the road to the lake. My brain was no longer focused on my body or how sick I felt. 

Since my head-smash incident with my friend's dog, my nose hasn't worked quite right. I have a much harder time breathing through my nose now and breathing while running was obviously not an exception. I also have been having all sorts of stomach issues lately, so when I say that I wasn't feeling well, I really Really wasn't. But those thoughts were on the back burner now. I was thinking about the views ahead of me. I was thinking about seeing the Flat Irons when I came over the first hill. I was thinking about Wonderland Lake shimmering as the sun was setting. I was thinking about the wind tossing my pony tail around. I was thinking about running. As I ran up the first bit of trail, I stopped for a minute to look back at where I had come from. I smiled and I kept running.

The view of Boulder

Wonderland Lake shimmering in the dim sunset

I decided today to go further than the lake. I had seen a trail the last time I was up here that went in a fantastic zig zag up a big hill toward more mountains. I wanted to see where that went. I wanted to chase the horizon. I knew I would be walking more if I went further, but I wanted to push on. At some point, I will have to take a picture of this zig zag. It really just calls to you and says, "please, please, come on up here, come follow this adventure." So I did. I followed the hill up and was sweetly rewarded. 

Hello open road

I was thrilled to see that upon reaching the top of the hill that the trail continued on for miles with spectacular mountains to the left. I was no longer thinking about not feeling well or being tired or sludgy. All I could think about was chasing this trail. My ankle felt okay, so I decided to keep going on. With a big smile on my face. I ran and ran and ran and ran. I ran further and further than I expected to. My feet just kept moving forward and I started to feel a glimmer of who I was before. Before my ankle injury. Before I fell out of love with running. Before I forgot who I was. This was that moment where I found myself again. 

Then when I thought I couldn't be any happier, the trail split. The right fork looked like the one I should take. It went toward a road, and I was sure it continued on straight forward and fun with a view similar to the one I just run. It offered me everything I was looking for. But then there was the left fork. The left fork was little slice of single track on caked and broken dirt through thick weeds. It was still a clear trail, but slightly overgrown. I have never been good at playing it safe or easy, so I went with the trail that looked like it was going to challenge me. Within about 20 feet, I knew I made the right decision. 

The dirt single track leading upwards into the mountains

I have never run a trail like this before. The flowers on either side of me were brilliant yellows and purples. The caked dirt was so hard, that if I misstepped I would absolutely roll my ankle. There was no one around for miles, I was completely alone and perfectly happy. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I didn't care one bit. The trail curled upward till I realized I was getting to another beautiful vista point. I am continuously surprised by the amazing views here. I have never seen sights like this on runs before. I cannot tell you how happy I was as I stood on top of that hill at the fence line looking out all around me. Sheer, true, utter joy and happiness for me often present themselves in speechlessness. I have no words for how seeing the images below made me feel, no words can do justice to the way this place moves me. 

Panorama view 1

Panorama view 2

happy

I knew at this point I had gone much further than I had anticipated, so I checked my GPS and sure enough, 4.12 miles. Tonight I was going to run 8 miles. For the first time since January. For the first time since my ankle busted. For the first time in a long long time, I could run 8 miles again. My ankle felt sturdy and strong. I no longer felt like I was trailing sludge or that I was busting out of my clothes. I felt like the swift tattooed on my wrist; strong and powerful, and full of endurance. I knew now it was time to run home. 

The trail back home

Prairie Dogs!

The view of the mountains I had just run back from

And now, it's time to run back down into the valley and home

My Mizuno Precisions,
which have carried me on almost every run since I started running here in CO

Nothing quite beats finishing up a long run, where you know you ran the last 4 miles almost straight through without stopping to walk, smiling, and that you arrived at home. Home. The last four miles I thought about how excited I am to show my parents and friends these trails when they visit me. I realized how cool it will be to say, 'welcome to my home, let me show you all of this beauty I get to see everyday.' For the first time, I was excited to be here. I was excited to live in the place my friends vacationed to. I was genuinely happy. My stomach still hurt, I still didn't feel amazing physically, but my heart felt amazing. 

So sometimes running sucks. Sometimes it hurts and you feel terrible. But stick with it. I promise, even if you don't have epic vistas like mine, something will change deep in your chest after you put a few miles in. And suddenly all those problems you were worried about, well... they don't seem so hard to solve. And suddenly, your path rises before you and you just go. Put on The Avett Brothers "Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise," trust your feet, and keep moving forward. I promise, you'll be happier in the end then if you stayed in bed. 

Running has been my problem solver, my best friend, and my confidant for over 8 years now and like with any relationship, it hasn't always been smooth sailing. We will be close at times; times where I give it my time, my energy, my love, my everything. Then we times where we don't interact for months; me ignoring my bright shoes by the door. There are days when I love the run I just came back from, and then days where it never got better and felt like a waste of time. But in the end, I can only heed the words of that song and 'decide what to be and go be it.' I am a runner. I am a runner and I always feel most at home on a run. 

So welcome home me, welcome home. :)