Day 394: On Motivation

“If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.” -Lewis Carroll

Lately, I have had no motivation. Not like I've only had a little, but I've been ignoring it, I have literally have had ZERO motivation. Waking up is hard; I would prefer to sleep in for a long time. I can't seem to get myself to exercise. I have pushed running SO far out of my mind that it has been over a month since I last went for a run. Every day drags on. I spend most of my time on the couch feeling sorry for myself and complaining about things I won't change. And though I tell myself I'm in mostly good spirits these days, I know the darkness that de-motivation eventually brings. Even if it isn't right away, sooner or later, my normally sunny personality darkens and my blue eyes grey out. I know where the tracks lead, and yet lately I just haven't been able to pull myself off. Dead weight in the water. I can blame it on the winter weather. I can blame it on the cold or the snow. I can blame it on having to walk the dog or not leaving him alone too long. I can blame it on a stomach or head ache. I can find any excuse to not go outside, fight the elements, and get back to who I used to be. 

You'd think it would be easier than this. I mean it is physically unpleasant to be un-motivated. Your legs ache. Your heart feels heavy. You hate what you see in the mirror. You think one day it would just snap back together and you would be like, yeah, let's do this. But instead it's 'I'm tired after a long day working two jobs' or 'let's watch this TV show, I need to relax.' I won't even exercise inside. I won't run on a treadmill, I am not the biggest fan of ellipticals, and I don't bike. So that really limits me, I know. I would take the high-intentisty courses my gym has to offer, but I'm usually working when they are going on. See there I go again, making excuses.

So I guess I don't know where I'm going, but more importantly, I don't know where I want to go. I have had the 'what do you want to do with your life?' conversation with too many people lately. And I hate this conversation, because I have no plan. I don't question what the future holds for me anymore. Around me people are getting engaged, starting families, and following their dreams to careers they love, or ones they can tolerate so they can pay the bills and I'm just watching. It's like a bad movie. I have tried to explain my position, but most people can't understand. All I've made are mistakes and I'd rather not invest in another one. So I am stalling. I am procrastinating. I am trying to stand very still. Quiet all around me. But it wasn't always like this…

There was a time I was so overly committed to so many ideas that I was in many places at once. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a writer, a musician, and an artist. I was this free spirit trying to learn how to color inside the lines and make my dreams my life. Then I moved onto college where I dabbled in everything while trying to find the dream life I was dreaming of. I navigated my way through boys, turning flirtations into relationships and in one case, love. I stepped in and out of cliques and circles, making and loosing friends. I had a hand in everyone's hand. I was a people person. I was a loner. I liked watching the sunrise from the staircase above the farm. But I liked to watch it alone. I could talk to anyone, but never really speak to them. I wore my hair with two bleach streaks so when I pulled my hair back to play basketball, I looked like Electra. I loved the school work, but it came easy to me, so I never really tried. I was overly dedicated to everything I learned about. Every subject became a career in my mind, I wanted to be: a geologist, a social scientist, an epidemiologist, a photographer, a HIV/AIDS advocate, and a teacher. I graduated with a Bachelors of Arts, 3.8 GPA, and I have done none of those things.

College turned out to be nothing more than a journey quest which gave you no real applicable life skills like, what is a typical amount for rent? What is a good neighborhood to move to? Internships or a job to make ends meet? Paying bills? How do I build credit and what does that mean? Riding the bus? Organic food or conventional? Whole foods or Giant? Strangers chatting with you on the metro? How to meet people in the working world and make friends that are not just college drinking buddies? There were so So SO many questions I had about everything, but no one with the answers. So I muddled through. I moved to an apartment in Takoma Park, Maryland and found a job in Arlington, Virginia. My commute was a hour and change one way. I learned how to navigate the systems without getting lost. I learned how to never miss the bus. The AC and heat in my small apartment was spotty at best, so the summers were extra hot and the winters colder than the ones in upstate New York. I think I hardened some. I worked the same schedule every day. I ran a lot then, so I wouldn't get fat. I worked out on my lunch breaks and ate packed lunches at my desk. I answered phone calls about reports that no one wanted to complete. They just wanted the money. I needed to know how they spent it. Research Analyst, my ass.

Like college, the work was easy and I glided through. I never really struggled with my job. I was not working my passion, but I guess I really didn't have a clue what my passion was. I loved running, but really how do you make that a full time job that pays the bills? I was all over the place back then. I had an odd friend group that truth be told, I didn't really like that much. I went to a few happy hours, but spent the vast majority of my time running for fun or training for races. Everyone was telling me to follow my heart and find a job I loved. But again, the only passion in my life was under the soles of my feet and I didn't know how to make that a job, so I didn't try. I thought about going back to school for an advanced degree. I studied for and took the GREs. I thought okay well if I go back to school, I can be: a geologist, a specialist in kinesiology, a personal trainer, a running coach, a HIV/AIDS researcher.

I started applying to a few graduate programs at schools in the local area. But then the fear of making the "wrong" decision, the feeling of not being super motivated to fall into the debt of student loans, and my personal life beginning to unravel (oh the excuses) all happened and the applications went unfinished; the "dream" unrealized. I went through a breakup, moved to a smaller apartment, and continued my hour and change commute to a job that I could care less about. Don't get me wrong, I gave the job my absolute best and worked very hard, but my heart was not in it. How could one's heart ever be in paperwork? But I kept at it. The dream had to be just around the corner. I got into yoga. I talked to strangers on the bus. I went out with friends on the weekends. I focused on the fun of life. The hot chocolate-holding hands-walks through Old Town-fun parts of life. It was a strange time with duality written all over my life. I was in it for fun, but I was getting serious. I wanted a change, but the change I was seeking wore too many masks. And then a change I wasn't expecting came up, but dressed up as a Trojan horse. I found rock climbing as something I could do with someone else to make them proud. But it became so much more. I became obsessed, as many rock climbers do. But how was I supposed to make that my life and my job? I kept asking the same questions, just with different words.

My commute changed. I started driving to work, leaving my house at 5am. I would run in the mornings, do cross fit on my lunch break, and then drive to the climbing gym after work to climb for a few hours before making the drive back home to a quiet apartment. The thought of climbing becoming a career was percolating. My obsession was deepening as I was getting more involved in the community. I made friends, real friends. These girls blew my mind. Other girls who enjoyed working out and going on trips were we camped and didn't bathe and cursed and talked about inappropriate things. I had never laughed so hard as I did before meeting these amazing women. It only furthered my obsession with climbing. But obsession that cannot be turned into motivation is just obsession. I still ran too. But they waxed and waned on each other, the two sports. My personal life went through some more shades of wrapping up and unraveling. I have become very accustomed to this. The build up and the break down. Nothing surprised me. I just ran harder and further. I climbed harder and longer. At that time, with no "partner" in my life, I was suddenly overly motivated to be an athlete. I wanted the best of both worlds: a 9-5 job that paid the bills and to be a distance runner and a strong climber.

But it wasn't enough. So I quit the office gig and worked full time between a running store and the climbing gym. It was not easy. I worked 16 hours a day and when I wasn't working, I was exercising. My personal life existed from midnight to 2am when I drank and dabbled in the I'm-not-that-serious-about-this-but-I-want-to-be relationships. I moved to Alexandria, perfectly staged between the two jobs. 2 miles from one, and 4 miles from the other. I moved in with a couple girls, one of which became and still is my best friend in the whole world. I was unhappy and content at the same time. Life was good enough, so I once again was not motivated to change anything. But way leads on way and I got it in my head that I needed a big change. So I transitioned to another job that I was not passionate about, but allowed me to live wherever I wanted. And with that, I left the up-and-down-back-and-forth relationships I kept getting involved in in Virginia, the jobs that I loved but didn't pay enough, and my closest, best friend and moved across the country to my "dream home" where life would be different and wonderful and new. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, because once I was out in Colorado I was motivated a little about this new life, but I also wasn't. Within weeks, I was visiting my "home" in Virginia that I worked so hard to leave. I second guessed my decision to move, but then was also really happy to return the the mountains at the end of those 7 days. I was going to commit to my decision and be something new: a Coloradan, a office manager, a trail runner, a (real) rock climber, and a partaker of the life in the heart of a place most people only see on their vacations.

In Colorado, I fell in love with a wonderful guy, worked a regular job, climbed in the evenings, and my life started to seem like it was finally going somewhere and making sense. But my motivation and my cheeriness about the daily comings and goings waxed and waned. My motivation to live life to the fullest was high some days and low others. When I was feeling demotivated one particular week, I applied for and got a job at the local climbing gym. I figured it would be good to get into the community out here and make some more friends. I figured this would also motivate me to start exercising again more. It did, kind of. But winter was upon us, and my motivation was lacking. The cold made me lazy. I adopted a puppy, who I fell in love with, but this only added to the lack of motivation to leave the puppy/house and exercise. And here we are at today. TODAY! That word that should inspire a jolt in your heart and a snap in your focus. It's today, the first day of the rest of your life. You should feel the pull to shake things up and get outside. You should want to challenge what the day brings. You should be motivated. I should be motivated. But instead, it has taken me 30 days to just write this blog entry. I keep putting off motivation till tomorrow.

How do you convince yourself to be motivated? How do you shake up the mundane? How do you spark the fire inside? Especially when it is so easy to just keep doing what you're doing. These questions have been bothering me a lot lately. They have been bothering me, because since getting out of high school, I have not know what the road is supposed to be that I should be chasing. In the words of Matthew McConaughey's Oscar acceptance speech, who is the "Me in ten years" that I should be chasing? That is what they should be teaching you in college. Here is the person you want to be in 10 years, now go find your way there, chase that dream. Maybe some folks find that. It was easier for the parents of our parents, working 50 years in the same job, knowing what was coming down the line. That is not our lives today. We must find the motivation to chase endless dreams. Endless versions of ourselves. Endless stories. So what is my story? Where do I go from here? And where do I find the motivation to be that person?

I don't know. I have more questions than answers. I only know a few things about me, but they seem to clash with each other. I live in a luxury apartment, but I want my home to feel homey. I work two jobs, but don't have a clue how to shape (let alone find) the career I should be chasing. I am young, but I feel pretty old. I am very happy and in love, but I am not ready for that next step I see everyone else around me taking. I am a proud puppy parent, but not ready to be an actual parent. I want to be selfish and have time for myself, but I want to give my time to others to find and solidify real friendships. I like being alone, but I wish I had more friends. I want to use my free time to exercise, but I am tired after work and have a puppy to tend to. I want the career that I am passionate about, but I don't want to commit to the wrong thing and have wasted my time. Time that I'm already wasting.

So motivation, indecision, and fear, I need to come to terms with you three so I can move forward to whatever my future might be. And that scares the shit out of me. So I ask again: What is my story? Where do I go from here? And where do I find the motivation to be that person?


Good questions that I will keep pondering and hopefully soon have the answer to.