Recently someone pointed out to me that I usually only talk about things about myself that I dislike. Like most females in today's society, I am visually reminded on a daily basis that physically, I am not perfect. You couple that with feeling like all of the people around you are smart, capable, and doing great things with their lives, and well it doesn't make for one's feelings of self worth to go sky rocketing daily. I live in Boulder, CO, probably one of the fittest cities in the US. Every day whether I'm out for a run, grabbing a coffee at a local (free trade, organic, save-the-world) coffee shop, or climbing at the rock gym I get constant reminders that I am not as beautiful, skinny, rich, smart or impressive as many of the other girls in this town. It's funny how often in a day you end up telling yourself that you're not good enough.
For some people, this breeds obsessive exercise or the use of makeup or just giving up. I know I am guilty of this, telling myself I'm not good enough and then obsessing on trying to be different. I sometimes let all of that stuff get so far in my head, I'll say things like "I hate myself" or "I'm worthless" out loud. And that is terrible. I have small moments where I recognize my value in some small way, but instantly make some sort of self-depricating joke. I know I am not alone in this, I see girls do this all the time. Upon hearing this person comment on my constant self-criticism, I began thinking. I thought about this a lot until I decided to write this post. This post is going to be in some ways a love letter to myself and also serve as a platform for me to say to other women out there struggling with the whole self-love thing, that it's okay, you can love yourself, and I got your back.
Things I love about myself:
Let's start with the physical things, since that seems to be one of my biggest challenges. I love my blue eyes. My blue eyes were a genetic gift from my mom and my nana. I love that that my eyes grey out in the winter and turn a shade of blue-teal in the summer. I love that I have my dad's nose and ears. I love that my fingers can softly and gently play piano, and then turn around, gather strength, and crimp on sharp rocks. I love that my hands are a little rough, the way a climbers hands should be. I love that no matter what I do to my hair, I always think it looks awesome. I love my feet. I think I have the best feet in the world. I love that before climbing I had size 8 feet, and now they measure at a 6.5/7. I love that they shrink and expand whether I am climbing or running. I love that my feet help me chase that me that is 10 years ahead, and take me daily in the direction of my dreams. I love that my toes have knobby callouses on them from climbing. I love that I have no torso, because where my ribs end, my hips start; there is less than an inch separating the two. I love that my nose is pierced; it's been over 10 years and I still love it.
I love my tattoos. They are my babies and have so much meaning to me. I spent countless hours planning them and I love each one of them as much as I did in the moments before I made them a part of my body. My most recent addition are the words "the sun still rises, even through the rain…" it runs up my forearm to my swift. Those words are a lyric from one of my favorite songs every written, "Another Story" by The Head and The Heart. I love that band, they are my absolute favorite and their music, while sad, always warms my heart. I love that lyric because it is true, much like the "stronger" tattoo on my shoulder. I believe that life is hard, and these two tattoos are reminders that even on the darkest of days there is a possibility for joy and that I will find the happiness tucked away like a hand warmer in my pocket. I love that my tattoos are both a story and a map of who I was and who I have become, but I only tell that story to people I hold very close to my heart. I love my arms because they are strong and powerful. I love my collarbone because I feel like it is the most feminine part of me, the easy beautiful part. I honestly love the stretch marks on my thighs. They are the proof that I challenged one version of me to be different, it is a daily reminder that nothing can stop me from trying to get and be better. I love that I am making an effort to look in the mirror and smile at the girl looking back at me.
Outside of the physical, I love that I take pictures of everything and that I want to share those photos with everyone I know. Because I love photos and they make me happy. I love that I take a billion pictures of my puppy because I know when he is a big dog later in his life, I can always look back and be grateful for all the moments I captured. I love that sometimes I connect more with music than people. I love that I play piano and write my own music. I love that I love to dance in my apartment in the mirror and try to get my pup to dance along with me. I love that I have a best friend who listens to me when I am upset, makes me laugh, and can give a better virtual hug from 1200 miles away than most people here can give. I love that I am not willing to compromise on who I let in and keep close to me. I love that I am able to forgive, but don't feel like I have to forget. I love the colors blue, red, teal, and black; they are my favorite. I love my accent; it's not New York and it's not the south, but somewhere in-between. I love that I have been known to mix things up, like intercostal and intracoastal. I like that I am not wildly smart, because I think a high degree of intelligence also breeds unhappiness. I love that when I am exercising I don't have a brain-mouth filter and say asinine things. I like that one time while biking riding with my friend Shea, I was trying to describe a taxidermist and I said, "They'll just grab a pig and stuff it full of dust." And I love that I still laugh when I tell that story.
I love that I have a strange and uncoordinated sense of style in regards to my clothing. I love that I insist on wearing this pair of men's size 11 moccasin slippers, that I got years ago at an REI attic sale, around the house because they are warm… even if they are floppy and don't really fit my size 7 feet. I love that the word most people use to describe me is "ridiculous." I love that I went to a hippie college, where students really believed they could change the world (and they are). I love that I talk to the different members of my family every day, because I know they are amazing people who I want constantly involved in my life. I love that I found running as a by-product of training for basketball and can never really get burnt out on it the way many others do. I love that I know my brain and my body and can direct it to which sport I will need to get through a rough moment. I love that I have learned to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made, no matter how terrible they were… we all deserve a second chance. I love that I want the dishes to go a certain way in the dishwasher. I love that I am learning how to open up and share the stories I never liked to tell. I love that sometimes if I'm just sitting and letting my mind drift, I will drift back to the outskirts of Asheville and the streets I used to drive on, through the mountains when I needed to get away. I love that last week, I climbed an 5.11a/b on the grey overhung wall at the climbing gym, even though that terrifies me. I love that I truly believe that home is where the heart is.
I love that yesterday I came to the realization that I am the one who defines me and I choose my future, no one else. I love that I realized that that 'dark hole in my future' thought that I have been battling for years, is not real. I love that I decided that feeling sorry for myself for the hard times I've had is MY choice and I can stop that whenever I want. I love that when I choose to face a particular fear, I go all in. I love that I know what I want to do next, the career I want to see pan out, and I am going to follow it, because this life, it is for me. I love that I am absolutely, unquestionably, undeniably stronger than whatever I am confronting.
I love me. I think I am great. I crack myself up, love with all of my heart, and try to do the right thing. I am glad that I was born and have spent 27.7 years getting to who I am now. I love that I know now that I am chasing the me ten years in the future, and that is a good enough "point of my life" answer for me. I love that I am strong, inside and out. I love that I will keep waking up every day looking forward to what adventure and challenge each new day brings. And I love that I welcome the fear, because I know when those feelings try to stop me, I will face them head on. I love me.
So how about you? If you can't name ten things about yourself that you love off the top of your head without even thinking, here is my advice: Wake up every day and immediately write three things down that are positive. They can be things you are grateful for, things you love about yourself or things you are looking forward to. But do it every day for a month. See how you feel at the end of that month. Write an entry, wherever you want, about what you love about you. Maybe keep a list. Find all of the good things about YOU and focus on them, and watch who you are transform. Each of us on this planet are unique. We have some pre-determined things, like health issues, body types and mental handicaps, but how we approach those things and each day of our lives is what defines us in the end. So take charge. Go do and be and enjoy. Laugh and smile and be the person you want to be best friends with.
No more excuses. To be all you can be, you must dream of being more.
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