Day 689: What It Gives Us, What It Takes

Here I am again.

Pulling on running tights,

shoving feet into socks, 

lacing up shoes. 

I am here.

Finding a head band to keep my ears warm.

Tank top, long sleeve, jacket.

Once again, 

I am here. 

The way a musician writes their best music through heartache, 

is the way I run. 

The more painful moments of my life, 

fuel my need to be outside, 

feed my drive to crank my legs on the trails,

function as my therapy.

So here I am again. 

Another heart break.

Another disappointment. 

Another failure.

All laced up in my shoes,

ready to find the trail and beat 

my muscles, ligaments, and bones 

Senseless. 

Starting.

my neighborhood. 

moderate pace.

beats fill my ears.

I am cast away. 

I am broken. 

I am every day. 

every time. 

I want to cry. 

I want to love. 

But all my tears have been used up. 

Keep.Moving. 

Foreign beats

fill my head.

The nonsense quiets finally.

But again. 

Always how the hope of again

breaks me in two

every 

God Damn

time. 

Fields of Gold. 

I am here.

Present.

Feet pound the ground.

Dirt. 

I am dirt. 

That's my worth. 

That's how you made me feel these last few weeks. 

Just like each one before you.

Making me feel unloved.

Like dirt. 

Saxophone drives it home. 

I am this broken beat.

I know you're hurting too 

but i don't care.

My selfish hurt.

You did this. 

Take my mind and take my pain

Like an empty bottle takes the rain

and heal, heal. 

At some point I'll be grateful.

For all the things you have done,

and the lessons you taught me.

but these days I 

Hate

your memory.

Your picture makes me angry.

I don't want to see your face. 

It's not that I am not moving on. 

I am.

But I am angry at you 
for lying to me, 

for giving up on me after telling me how much you loved me, 

for being just like everyone who came before you. 

I am angry

because all i wanted was for you to take my love, 

accept me for who i am, 

and grow old with me. 

Oh well. 

again. 

Upwards.

The hill makes me climb.

Melodies and beats blasting into my eardrums.

I hate this feeling. 

Burning of the muscles in my legs,

ache in my throat as I breath heavily, 

unstable trail footing, 

sweating. 

You cut your teeth on the lack of answers, and you
Come back home and it don't feel the same
Well I bled words onto a page for you
And you never knew my name

I climb this hill,

i let the tears flow.

I am hurt

and I was blind. 

And that really kills me. 

I was stupid.

Let hope get the better of me.

Ignored all the signs.

All the red flags.

All the silent treatment 

and passive aggressive nights.

I am nearing the top of 
this massive hill. 

Up Top. 

Sunset in all directions,

God's rays

highlighting the sky

through the mountains

through the clouds
through even me.
Something,
some bit of hope shining through

just like me.

It all washes away. 

Up top,

just like 

Me.

There will always be a moon

pulling me away from you
And you're gone...

...take back your pictures

Take back your letters

Don't send me no postcards

Telling me you miss me

Cause I'm trying here, 

I'm trying here.