Today has not been a particularly good day for me. Work has been difficult and I had to fight with doctor after doctor and then the insurance company because, as usual, they are a bunch of bumbling idiots. I’ve had meeting after meeting and phone call after phone call. I sat at my desk for so long looking on as the sun started to dive bomb toward the horizon and felt lonely.
When I finally did get down to the gym, I didn’t feel much like going out. It was like that bitter feeling where you just don’t want to do anything. It was warmer today, significantly so, and I was over dressed for my run. I tuned out to my music and tried not to think about anything at all. This NEVER works. As soon as you tell yourself, clear your mind, your mind fills with every thought you have spent the day trying to avoid. Out there in the cool breeze, I felt like everything was able to touch me. Every thought, every emotion, every memory. I tried to continually push everything aside and focus on asking myself if my form was correct and if I was striking the ground in the right place with my foot. I tried humming along to the music or focusing on the glint of the sun on the cars. Nothing seemed to clear off the layer of dirt and grit that seemed to settle itself on my mood. I guess this is normal though, at least as normal as it is going to get for me.
The positive aspects of the run were that once I was out there I felt lighter. I could breathe a little better and my heart didn’t feel quite so tight. I had planned on just running 1.5 miles and giving my recovering quads a break, but when I got to the turnaround point, I realized that I have never been particularly taken with halves. I like those whole numbers. And even though I like odd numbers more than even, I pushed past 1.5 and strolled into 2 miles. Of course I am now paying the price. Sometimes I like to drag out my run. I ignore the clock and just casually jog because I don’t want it to be over. I miss those 3 hour runs. Never thought I’d say that, but I do. Running for hours on end is freeing. It allows you such an abundance of time that whatever you could possibly think about will be taken care of and cleared off your plate by the end of it. It’s less stressful than a 30 minute run where you’re trying to rack up mileage and clear your brain. Anyway my legs are not ready for that yet, but I look forward to it.
In my day to day life, I am not good at being alone. I rather hate it. I have a significant distaste for having no one to talk to or keep me company. Except when I am running. I used to drag people into coming running with me and then I realized that they wanted to talk to me as well. My runs are the one time where I can be comfortable alone. Maybe because I know that my spandex shorts and tech tops are my skin and I am proud to wear them. Maybe it’s because I know that if I have my brooks sneakers, I don’t need anyone else. My running shoes don’t make comments about my thighs. The trail doesn’t have an opinion on my silly hat or that I always wear my sunglasses, even if it’s overcast and raining. Maybe it’s that I actually like being alone, but am too afraid to admit that out loud. Maybe it’s a whole slew of things or maybe I just like to run.
I miss my long runs. Because of this I may take a recovery day and find a trail near work. I may try to listen to birds instead of my music, and the pounding of my shoes on the dirt instead of the pounding of my thoughts in my brain.
Just maybe…
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