Something strange happened to me after the 50K, I stopped talking about running. I stopped feeling passionate about one of the most important things in my life. I was still going through the motions, as I still had MCM to complete, but my heart was no longer in it. This really bothered me because running is my life. I fought with that feeling and then injury on top of that feeling for a couple of months. During that time I slacked and didn't finish my blog entry about the 50K race, I didn't write at all about MCM, and I did very little actual running. This was depressing for me and I could feel myself sinking into a rut.
As a runner, I define myself off of my runs. I've touched on this before in an earlier entry, so you know what I mean when I say that being sidelined makes you "off" mentally. Only this time the sidelining was more a mental thing than being physically injured. But I was injured again. I somehow fractured my leg again during the 50K and then worsened it as well as the muscles and tendons surrounding the fracture with MCM. So that combined with just not feeling it for running anymore made me do something I have never done before, I gave up on running for a while. My heart just wasn't in it anymore. That was really hard for me to see myself becoming disinterested in something I loved so deeply. But nothing about running made me feel excited or inspired or happy anymore. It was awful.
Though sometimes breaks give you a gift of sorts. Those feelings I was having toward running allowed me to step back and get a better look at the whole picture. What was I really looking for or trying to take away from my running/racing experiences? Was I trying to prove something, to myself, to others? What was I doing with my running that took me away from the place where I could think of nothing better than going out for a long run? While I do love running, I found that all the races made me really not enjoy the simple act of running. And what I need more than anything else for running to be part of my life again is to get back to the place where I loved running for the sake of running.
Fretting about races and finish times and splits and all of that nonsense is not the kind of runner I want to be at all. When it comes down to it, I am not competitive, I don't like sprints, I strongly prefer distance to speed (yes, it is one or the other for me), I disagree with most coaches views on the "right" method (running only), I love and refuse to give up on my other sports like climbing and crossfit, I do NOT enjoy racing at all, and most importantly I want to be enjoying myself. Race training takes me away from enjoying the very essence of why I run and obsessively wraps me up in speed and split times. I am a runner, but I'm not a racer and that scene is just not where I belong. Now that I've taken some time away, I can see all of this and I know how to handle my future with running.
So I'm ready to get back... to writing this blog, that is. Running is still being put on hold for a while, at least for a couple of months while my legs get enough time to fully heal. And while I take this time to fully heal, I'm going to be focusing on things that I enjoy doing while staying fit. Like what? Well like becoming a more dedicated climber, like becoming a good swimmer, like getting strong with crossfit and tabatas, and like attempting to re-kindling my aerobic relationship with the elliptical and the stair master. Running will come back to me, and when it does and when I'm ready for it again, I will once again enjoy it with the same passion as before. But I will not be signing up for any races for about the next two years. That's a good long time to get back in the groove and find what I like about my sport. So with that said, please don't tempt me and don't ask me to run any races with you in the next couple of years. :)
This year is as good a year as any for major changes, and it seems I have a lot of those being put into motion for the next 362 days. So I'm going to focus on enjoying my other sports, climbing especially, and I'll write about them for now. Then when I'm healed up and when I feel like it, I'll start running again. I know my feet and my heart won't ever give up on running, and neither would I, because no other sport comes close to giving me the feeling I get when I am out on a long run. But there are times when a break can help you see what you love more than anything else about your favorite sport. And on that note, I'm going to try to get a post out soon about the rest of the 50K experience.
Thank you all for your support as I heal my heart, body, and soul. :)
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