Day 457: With and Without

With and Without.




When I was younger,
Present
was where I was.
I felt the emotions
as tears
running down my face
at the story
we watched unfold
But
I moved onto the next moment
with cherished enthusiasm.
Present.
I lived there.
The childish joy
that comes with
living life every day
and not worrying
that you might be
with or without.

The sand recycled daily
on the beach's shores.
Some sand stays,
destined for the dunes,
and some
is swept far away
into the depths
of the sea.
I have aged.
I
am
older
now.
I have an
Intricate
involvement
with the details.
My past.
My unknown
future.
I am with the
knowledge
that comes with age,
I am without
the fearless
presentness
I had at
age 11.

The heart shaped stain on
my
coffee table
takes me back to
late summer days
and
I find my heart
longing for
the sure-fire love
I felt before.
I sit on
my
couch, unable to focus.
Doped up
on the
what's next?
sensation.
I don't notice
my dog
is growing up.
I don't notice
the wrinkles settling in
on my face.
I don't notice
the sun
rise
and set.
I barely hear the voices
in my ears,
or the faces
in front of
my own.

Suddenly
the crossroads are here.
I come into
the fullest state
of understanding
what I meant when I said,
'if you catch me off guard, you catch me at my best.'
What are these
walls
protecting?
What is so worth
guarding?
So that no one sees.
Afraid and
obsessed
being with
and
or
without
the pieces that
wrap us
up in blankets,
snuggled close
together,
our feet touching.

If I knew
you were watching,
I'd hide away
the honest smile
and blushing cheeks
of a girl
who can't meet your eyes
after you told her
you think she is
beautiful.
I want
to live up to the little girl in me
in those moments
I want to be there,
I want to be
Present
with you
and without.

Here I sit.
The vibrancy
of seeing.
That silver lining.
the halo
around
your
perfect hair.
Here I am.
I am
each
and
every
moment.
With
and
Without
the weight
of before
and after.

how many more moments like that will i get?

Please see me
put my phone aside
put my thoughts away
and be
honest
present
full
and
here.
For I am
the sum of my parts,
the novel written years ago,
the promise of tomorrow's sunshine.
Here
I am
with
and
without.


*This piece is dedicated to the moments recently that brought me to this place of presence; the friends and family, the towering mountains and the deep blue-green sea, the past and the future, and the ability all in one moment to stop thinking and simply enjoy to softness of the moment holding me.